I have cried myself to sleep every night for past month and tonight is no different. I had a quick worship after a fun night with friends and as I laid down to sleep at 3am, the tears started to flow, and they flowed for many reasons.
Ever since the January 12th 2010 earthquake in Haiti my sleep patterns have been as regular as Alberta’s weather. Life has been difficult and includes problems such as; not being able to register for classes and not having a place to call my own. I feel as if I have let so many people down because I have not achieved what they wanted me to achieve. I feel as if I have let myself down for not achieving what I wanted to achieve, however, this problems becomes even bigger when you celebrated your 28th birthday two months ago.
I am constantly feeling as if I have to be something for someone. Be it a lover to someone I am not in love with, the perfect daughter to my parents, the fun friend to hang around with, the perfect student, the good neighbour or an excellent tenant, everybody wants me to be somebody and no one is saying “it’s ok Hadassah just be yourself”. Now mind you those are not necessarily bad things but sometimes I just want to breathe.
My family is going through some difficult changes, I am not in school and I have no idea when I will next see my parents again so imagine the difficulty when a guy believes that my world should revolve around him? I have been trying to fast a week and honestly it is the hardest thing that I have ever attempted to try, so far I am failing “epically”.
However, like David, I have decided to dust myself off and try again “yes I know it’s an Aaliyah song”. I have decided to give my life once again completely over to God and if someone or something is not part of that package as given by The Holy One Himself then I’m sorry but don’t expect me to fit you into that package. As I embark on this journey I also have to think about my future family especially my kids, I don’t want to go into it bearing the whole armour of God whereas my husband is still trying to find out who God is. I am not willing to sacrifice my salvation for love, as harsh as that sounds.
There is a great friend of mine from Philly who text me yesterday morning and I told him that I was cleaning my room and he asked if I was; “dusting some old Dalembert posters” Dalembert for the basketball challenged people is a NBA Haitian pleayer, when I read the text it made me stop and think and wonder what other dusty things did I have in my life that I should clean up? What old habits should I throw away?, what new habits should I bring in? Although, he does not share my religious views, my friend from Philly always tends to find a way to inspire me to think and sometimes he doesn’t even realize it.
So as you can tell this day has been all over the place just like this blog. As the tears flowed I began to imagine all the things that God would want me to rid off. In my Sabbath lesson for this semester we’re studying about background characters in the Bible, some of whom we’re holier than thou and holier than I, however God still used them if they allowed themselves to be used. As I read their story tonight I took a vow to completely rid myself of everything and allow God and God alone to fill my cup until it runs over. To rid myself of negativity, useless chatter, people who can not give me a helping hand in my spiritual journey because we are not on the same path, anger, hatred and procrastination. I want God to fill me with; wisdom,courage, peacefulness, meekness, humility, charity, joy, patience, forbearance, goodness, modesty, chastity, a spirit filled man, and a longing to share His word.
As God leads me be happy for me, and as He blesses me, I pray that He will bless you too.
I have proven time and time again that God listens to each petition that we bring to him. He has said that he is Our Father and like our earthly fathers who would spend time finding that lost marble, that special dolly, that lucky sock or underwear, that favourite pencil God does the same for us. He is interested in everything that happens in our lives even if we think it to be trivial. I have proven this twice in my short years here on earth.
I once got a Gucci wallet as a gift, it was my most prized possession at that time. I treasured it because someone thought that I deserved something that was so expensive it was valued at about four hundred dollars. I cared for it like a pet. During one Christmas shopping trip on a Saturday night however, I misplaced my beloved wallet. My mom, sister and I were trying out different outfits and I guess that I left my wallet in the changing room. It was about two days before Christmas so the store was packed with people. I didn’t realize that my wallet was missing until Monday morning as I was getting ready to visit a friend in prison and wanted to make sure that my government issued id card was up to date. To my horror as I looked in my purse my wallet was not there. I looked all over our house hoping that I had just placed it somewhere. No luck. I began to feel the pressure and called all of my friends asking if they had seen it. In addition to the always no’s I also got some lectures. Some thought that I was too attached to the purse and hence God taking it away from me. I was not pleased. I called a friend of mine who was a police officer and told him to be on the look out for it. He was kind enough to actually take me seriously. After hours of frantic searching I was near tear but decided that instead of crying I’ll just pray about it and that’s exactly what I did. I prayed that God will help me find my wallet if it was His will and allow me to accept that my wallet was gone if it was His will also. I told Him that I didn’t care about the one hundred dollars that it contained I simply wanted my wallet back and the important contents it contained. I went to sleep and one night dreamt that it was on the ground next to one of the stores that we visited, I trusted God and went and look, it was not there. With a heavy heart but accepting it as God’s will I went and applied for new government id’s. Six weeks later and in the new year my mom got a call at work. A cashier from the same store that I saw in my sleep called to say that they had found my wallet, I was simply excited. The hundred dollar bill was missing but everything else was in place I told everyone how God had answered my prayer, some dismissed it as pure luck.
Today, I could not find my John Varvatos perfume retail value of $92 but I got on sale for $20. Once again I searched the house and recruited my friends to help. Nothing came up, as I’m in the process of moving there were boxes and more boxes that I had to go through. I went through everyone of them. Found nothing. I whispered a prayer to God and found it three minutes later.
Now, I am sure that some will claim that the Almighty and Powerful God has bigger things to consider and so would not give a second thought to a perfume bottle but I beg to differ. If He listens to my supplications about such small matters imagine how much more attention my bigger issues are given.
God is my Friend, Comforter, Healer, Physician, Lawyer, Teacher and of course Father nothing is too big or too small for Him. He holds the sun, the moon and the little stars in the same hand.
As I’m updating this blog I’m having a muffin and by the title above I’m sure you have realized that this week’s attempt at becoming a vegan has failed miserably “insert big sigh”.
However, I will continue on the journey and simply refuse to give up. My biggest challenge will be on Sabbath because that’s when all the food comes out.
Thumbs up to trying
Ok folks, I am trying my hand at this game one more time. If you know me personally you will know that I suffer from serious health issues. As this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month I thought that instead of simply wearing pink that I should actually “fight” cancer. I have lost one aunt to ovarian cancer one to sickle cells disease and another to AIDS, all of these aunts were from my father’s side of the family. My cancer scare last year and my 28th birthday this year really gave me the push I needed to; make some changes, stick to those changes and spread the word.
We all know that there are changes that we ought to make in our lives however, if you’re like me then you hate changes even it it’s for your best. I was a vegetarian for about ten years. During those years, beans, peas, legumes, fruits and vegetables made up my diet. Most of the items were fresh and some right from my mothers garden. My siter has heart problems and my brother has allergies to most medications given to him and I always batted ovarian cysts. When we became vegetarians as a family we saw a great change in health. I went off to college in Jamaica the land of jerk and curry chicken and fell into bad habit. Jerk chicken became my staple food with extra hot sauce. I developed serious ulcers and of course the cysts came back. I left Jamaica after two years and went back to The Bahamas where once again my mother made sure that we ate healthy foods, health improved until I moved to Canada.
Last year was a really painful one for me. I was on medication which did not agree with my body and so created other problems, I had to do biopsies and x-rays and other tests that I didn’t even know existed and of the course the long dreaded word “surgery”. Time after time I made promise to myself and my future husband” a girl can dream can’t she?” that I will take better care of my body, but this time it is for real.
I will start of small and eliminate the things that are easier to eliminate such as eggs, cheese and meat. They are easy for me to eliminate because of the throbbing pain I usually feel after a meal consisting of them. What will be difficult will be junk food, carbonated beverages, and actually eating breakfast at breakfast time. To help me better understand this process starting this morning I will fast for an entire day and start fresh on Tuesday.
I will take note of my every meal and every drink. So for this week I will attempt to drink only water, fast for one day, eat at least three fruits a day, eat one vegetable a day and abstain from the previously mentioned foods.
I will check in and blog on Monday which is my fast day, Wednesday which would be my hump day “the most difficult to get over” and Friday my victory day and will let you know how it all went. I will take pictures and also weigh myself. I will check in again in December with the results. So, who’s with me?
Love and Health
Reading and writing is fun, writing and reading is fun, at least to me it is. During my younger years I wrote and read for pure pleasure, just because I could. I literally ate, chewed, and devoured books like a book worm. I have simply always had a passion for writing and reading and they usually went hand in hand. If I read a book, I would simply have to write my very own book review. If I wrote on a subject immediately after writing I would often read a book on the subject. During my teen years I wrote for my sanity, like most teenagers, I kept a diary to hide my innermost thoughts. I read books that made me feel part of the teen age movement. During my early twenties, I read and wrote as a way of maturing. I read books on subjects such as health, dating, dealing with teens, planned pregnancy and of course, college text books. Now that I have officially hit late twenties my reading and writing has been more for soul searching, however, I have found out in recent weeks that my writings extend beyond my monitor and have others feel a bit uneasy about what I write.
I have written on subjects of spirituality, my difficult college life, my financial situation, my maturity growth and of course the infamous “Living It Single” series. Of that list the most important to me is spirituality then college life, my maturity and financial growth and bringing up the rear my single life. However, to the outside world it is opposite. Of the nineteen private emails I receive about this blog all are in reference to “Living It Single”. I imply found it surprising that those who value my friendship would rather know about my single life and how they fit into it than my spiritual life or even my college life for that matter. It really showed me what was more important to them about me. Now, while I understand that men think differently from women and that some are insecure about the way they acted in a relationship or that it was important for them to know why the relationship didn’t work out, I understand that, but maybe, just maybe the way they approached certain subjects like the way the approached my blog had a lot to do with it.
Feelings were hurt when I expressed my feelings by writing, feelings were hurt when I revealed that I was reading a book called “I kissed dating goodbye” some assumed that I was reading the book because they had left a bad taste in my mouth when in reality I was reading the book for pleasure. I love everyone that plays a role in my life, different love for different people, but please when I blog it’s for my sanity and for my therapy. Do me the favour of leaving your comments but don’t take it too personal. If you feel that I should not say certain things simply take it with a grain of salt and accept it for what it is.
Read what I write so you may learn a bit more about me and the everyday struggles I go through.
Kisses, hugs and blessings
Yes God, it’s me again. I know that it’s been a long time since I wrote to you but there are couple things on my mind that I feel that you should know. Yesterday, there was a plane crash which I’m sure you’re aware off. More than seven people died one of whom I knew. Now with all the death that has been going on around me I just want to know can’t you take it away? Can’t you stop it? So many people around the world are dying ever day, children, women, young people, young men, the elders of our community we’re losing them all. I’m now afraid to love new people for fear of losing them. I don’t even want to think about losing another loved one. I am afraid of losing some very close friends of mine who are police officers, there are those who are in the United States Armed Forces, my family in Haiti are still in fear after the earthquake.
I’m especially fearful for friends and loved ones who have not accepted you as their personal Saviour. How do I tell them goodbye without knowing that we’ll share eternity?
At this time I’m just asking you for peace and comfort not just for me but for all those around the world affected by death. I know that you will keep your promise but every now and again I’d like a reminder. Thanks
Love Your child
well not really. I have been working just that I haven’t been able to get paid because my work is updating my blogs. Writing is the only thing that I love enough that can actually relax me at any time. I love to write and I realized this summer that I can use it as a a form of therapy and so I started my blogs and also my vlogs on youtube as my way out.
It gets really frustrating at times but I just keep on writing or talking. Instead of talking to myself and answering my back I simply share my thoughts with others who may find themselves in the very same situation as me. Sharing my thoughts about what’s happening in my life ease the burden of carrying it alone but also reminds me that I am not alone in my struggles as I get feed back from others.
As with most writers there will be writer’s block and frustration but as long as there’s a pen, paper, a keyboard and a camera, continue to share your story as I will continue to share mine.
Love and Blessings