Archive for category Me, myself and God
I have always been in the minority, sometimes it was good and some times not so much. My religion has always been a hindrance to me socially and I’m not complaining but just like every other human sometimes we wish that things could be a little easier.
Growing up in a home with a seventh day adventist family meant that as a kid in public school I was not normal, the funny thing was that I wasn’t even normal as a kid in church. Yes we all went to church together but not everyone worshipped on the Sabbath day like my family did. Now as a free adult and paying my own rent you would think that I would be a bit normal but nooooooooooooo. Things are still the same. I choose not to work on Sabbath even though I will get paid more, I choose to make extra preparations during the week to make sure that Sabbath is just special. Sometimes it even means excluding friends and family for that 24 hour period. It hurts for me to say no we can’t visit because it’s my Sabbath and sometimes people think I’m using it as an excuse when I’m really not.
The Christmas season is fast approaching and people have already asked for their time off so that they can be with their families which means that some poor fool “like me” will end up working those extra long hours because everyone wants that time off, because it’s special.
As I think on how mush I love the Sabbath I think on how I have been as a Christian, if people really do see the light in me. I lost a friend once who I never once invited to church or even brought up church with. After that I promised myself to speak to everyone about God’s love unfortunately that still hasn’t happened.
As we near this holy Sabbath day I thank God for providing me with a place of employment but most of all I ask Him to use me to bring others to Him. To break down the “pride” that I have where I don’t want to be rejected, to know that all He wants of me is simply to live for Him and He will do the rest.
Laying awake all night and crying hurts if you don’t agree just ask me. This year has been a really trying one for me. I am a person of certainty and planning. I plan, I execute and I am certain that will happen.January of this year changed everything. I had planned to attend classes, I registered, I was certain I would be attending classes and it did not happen. I was devastated and still am. I remember reading about people who said that there were times when they didn’t know where their next meal was coming from, some didn’t know where their next rent payment was coming from and of course some didn’t know where their next pay cheque was coming from.
It hurts not knowing for certain what will be happening in your life. If you will eat or not or where you will rest your head the next night. Crying is one of the ways that we deal with difficulties when there is nothing else to do. When you live on handouts alone, you will cry at night, especially if there is no one else to share the difficulties with.
I have made the decision to turn it over to God completely and to allow Him and him alone to take care of my needs and my wants. As I lay on my blanket on my floor tonight “I don’t have a bed” and t he tears start to flow one of my friends without knowing sent me a link to one of Elvis’ songs and my favourite part of the song is “Lord, help me smile another smile just one more smile’ and with the words of the song on my heart I will have worship and go to bed because why should I lose sleep when my heavenly Father doesn’t sleep, slumber, nor wear pyjamas.
Today, is another holy day, a day of rest and gladness, of thanksgiving and praise. Today is the day of family time and fellowship. It is a Holy-Day. I love the sabbath because it is a time for; sharing, a special occasion, a date with God. I love the Sabbath day because it reminds me of creation and it is the one day that I get to do absolutely nothing but think on the goodness of God.
This is also the time of memories. The time when I can think of the good old days of being with my family. It is also the time when I think of my future family. I look forward to wonderful family moments and vespers on Sabbath evenings. I look forward to kissing my future husband and my kids and wishing them a blessed Sabbath. I look forward to my future husband being the priest of my family and pronouncing blessings on my family.
Sabbath always remind me of why I can not be married to a non-sabbath keeper not because I think that I am better than a non sabbath keeper but because all these customs from my parents will not have any meaning to him. I see us preparing clothes for sabbath from Sunday, making sure the all shoes are well polished before sunset on Friday. Making sure that the yard is clean and the car washed. The televison and radios are off unless it’s a christian program and most of all I see myself preparing a buffet for the sabbath feast.
It takes me back down memory lane when my mom was like the queen bee in the kitchen and expected that the house to be clean spic and span from top to bottom and not to forget the pine sol “lol”. My dad would wash his car until it was shining and made sure that it was well vacumed. He would make sure that my brother collected his suite from the dry cleaners and would be the one to remind us that sun is getting ready to set. We were expected to be all shower fresh and clean at least an hour before sunset. The dinner table would be set with the Sabbath food set aside. Fresh fruits would be placed on the table. Sabbath was the day when my mom would bring out the special linen table cloth and all the Sabbath vessels were brought out, not to be used again until next Sabbath.
Ten minutes before sun set we all gathered together as a family, everyone carrying their hymnal and Bible. We will sing hymns in French and when we the kids felt like being rebellious demanded that we sing some songs in English, but our favourite was singing songs in Haitian creole because there was more rhythm. After singing we will repeat Exodus chapter twenty and versus eight to eleven by heart and then we will kneel to pray. After prayer was done my dad would pronounce his blessings on the family
” Que la grâce de notre Seigneur Jésus-Christ, l’amour de Dieu le Père et la communion du Saint–Esprit, soient avec vous”.
I look forward to the day when I can share these wonderful memories and traditions with a family of my own. Thanks mom and dad for putting us on this road I hope and pray that we will all continue on this path.
After posting last night, I didn’t immediately fall asleep I simply laid there and started thinking and thinking. I have not been the perfect daughter to my parents and I have not been the perfect friend to a person who has tried his best to give me his best. I tend to shy away from kindness and love because I’m always wondering “why are they being nice to me”. I have been hurt before, and it really hurt but nothing hurts more than when you are hurt by someone who said they love you. Let me explain
I was proposed to last year, proposed as in “Will you marry me?” I knew this guy for less than a month and he wanted me to be his lover, his lifelong partner, and the mother of his child all this after knowing me for less than a month. Mind you he was a nice guy however, his self centeredness drove me up the wall and besides why would I marry someone I just met. He proposed the Sunday before I left to come back to Canada.
He said that he loved me and how he could not live without me and how I was the one for him, he wanted me but I didn’t want him at least not in that way, and so I told him” I’m sorry but I don’t love you like that” I explained that I could not be his lover just because he wanted me to be his lover. What happened next blew my mind. He said some of the most hurtful things to me. It cut through my heart and it hurt. Six months later there’s a devastating earthquake in Haiti and my heart dropped.
After getting the news about family I started thinking about friends and that’s when I realized that he was now in Haiti and in Port au Prince, my heart sank. I suddenly started feeling guilty with myself, blaming myself for not “loving” him because feared that he was dead. I tried to call and had my parents call and finally we got word that he was ok. He still does not talk to me and that’s the most hurtful part, how can someone who professed so much love for me turn around and hurt me so bad. That’s when I realize that I do the very same to God.
I tell Him that I want to be in love with him, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, that He will be the only source of happiness for me and then the minute that I don’t get an immediate answer to a prayer, I throw a temper tantrum and tell God that He doesn’t really love me and that I might as well have been in the world, I know it hurts and it hurts him hard but at the end of the day He still loves me.
Last night I took an oath of remaining single until I find “That One” but then I realize that maybe “That One” has been with me all along it’s just that he came in a different package? I guess I wanted a Haitian but what if God sent me a Bahamian or an American? I wanted a black man but what if God sent me a white one? I wanted someone who shared my faith but what if God sent Me someone of a different faith so that I can bring to Him? Then it all started to piece itself together maybe “That One” is here and has been here but I didn’t accept it because I wanted to be like Godeon and put out the fleece.
So even though I have taken a vow of being single I am still available and open to being in that relationship and being with one who helps to keep me sane.
I’m beginning to like this new relationship thing with God, lol it makes things so much easier and the load so much lighter..
I have cried myself to sleep every night for past month and tonight is no different. I had a quick worship after a fun night with friends and as I laid down to sleep at 3am, the tears started to flow, and they flowed for many reasons.
Ever since the January 12th 2010 earthquake in Haiti my sleep patterns have been as regular as Alberta’s weather. Life has been difficult and includes problems such as; not being able to register for classes and not having a place to call my own. I feel as if I have let so many people down because I have not achieved what they wanted me to achieve. I feel as if I have let myself down for not achieving what I wanted to achieve, however, this problems becomes even bigger when you celebrated your 28th birthday two months ago.
I am constantly feeling as if I have to be something for someone. Be it a lover to someone I am not in love with, the perfect daughter to my parents, the fun friend to hang around with, the perfect student, the good neighbour or an excellent tenant, everybody wants me to be somebody and no one is saying “it’s ok Hadassah just be yourself”. Now mind you those are not necessarily bad things but sometimes I just want to breathe.
My family is going through some difficult changes, I am not in school and I have no idea when I will next see my parents again so imagine the difficulty when a guy believes that my world should revolve around him? I have been trying to fast a week and honestly it is the hardest thing that I have ever attempted to try, so far I am failing “epically”.
However, like David, I have decided to dust myself off and try again “yes I know it’s an Aaliyah song”. I have decided to give my life once again completely over to God and if someone or something is not part of that package as given by The Holy One Himself then I’m sorry but don’t expect me to fit you into that package. As I embark on this journey I also have to think about my future family especially my kids, I don’t want to go into it bearing the whole armour of God whereas my husband is still trying to find out who God is. I am not willing to sacrifice my salvation for love, as harsh as that sounds.
There is a great friend of mine from Philly who text me yesterday morning and I told him that I was cleaning my room and he asked if I was; “dusting some old Dalembert posters” Dalembert for the basketball challenged people is a NBA Haitian pleayer, when I read the text it made me stop and think and wonder what other dusty things did I have in my life that I should clean up? What old habits should I throw away?, what new habits should I bring in? Although, he does not share my religious views, my friend from Philly always tends to find a way to inspire me to think and sometimes he doesn’t even realize it.
So as you can tell this day has been all over the place just like this blog. As the tears flowed I began to imagine all the things that God would want me to rid off. In my Sabbath lesson for this semester we’re studying about background characters in the Bible, some of whom we’re holier than thou and holier than I, however God still used them if they allowed themselves to be used. As I read their story tonight I took a vow to completely rid myself of everything and allow God and God alone to fill my cup until it runs over. To rid myself of negativity, useless chatter, people who can not give me a helping hand in my spiritual journey because we are not on the same path, anger, hatred and procrastination. I want God to fill me with; wisdom,courage, peacefulness, meekness, humility, charity, joy, patience, forbearance, goodness, modesty, chastity, a spirit filled man, and a longing to share His word.
As God leads me be happy for me, and as He blesses me, I pray that He will bless you too.
I have proven time and time again that God listens to each petition that we bring to him. He has said that he is Our Father and like our earthly fathers who would spend time finding that lost marble, that special dolly, that lucky sock or underwear, that favourite pencil God does the same for us. He is interested in everything that happens in our lives even if we think it to be trivial. I have proven this twice in my short years here on earth.
I once got a Gucci wallet as a gift, it was my most prized possession at that time. I treasured it because someone thought that I deserved something that was so expensive it was valued at about four hundred dollars. I cared for it like a pet. During one Christmas shopping trip on a Saturday night however, I misplaced my beloved wallet. My mom, sister and I were trying out different outfits and I guess that I left my wallet in the changing room. It was about two days before Christmas so the store was packed with people. I didn’t realize that my wallet was missing until Monday morning as I was getting ready to visit a friend in prison and wanted to make sure that my government issued id card was up to date. To my horror as I looked in my purse my wallet was not there. I looked all over our house hoping that I had just placed it somewhere. No luck. I began to feel the pressure and called all of my friends asking if they had seen it. In addition to the always no’s I also got some lectures. Some thought that I was too attached to the purse and hence God taking it away from me. I was not pleased. I called a friend of mine who was a police officer and told him to be on the look out for it. He was kind enough to actually take me seriously. After hours of frantic searching I was near tear but decided that instead of crying I’ll just pray about it and that’s exactly what I did. I prayed that God will help me find my wallet if it was His will and allow me to accept that my wallet was gone if it was His will also. I told Him that I didn’t care about the one hundred dollars that it contained I simply wanted my wallet back and the important contents it contained. I went to sleep and one night dreamt that it was on the ground next to one of the stores that we visited, I trusted God and went and look, it was not there. With a heavy heart but accepting it as God’s will I went and applied for new government id’s. Six weeks later and in the new year my mom got a call at work. A cashier from the same store that I saw in my sleep called to say that they had found my wallet, I was simply excited. The hundred dollar bill was missing but everything else was in place I told everyone how God had answered my prayer, some dismissed it as pure luck.
Today, I could not find my John Varvatos perfume retail value of $92 but I got on sale for $20. Once again I searched the house and recruited my friends to help. Nothing came up, as I’m in the process of moving there were boxes and more boxes that I had to go through. I went through everyone of them. Found nothing. I whispered a prayer to God and found it three minutes later.
Now, I am sure that some will claim that the Almighty and Powerful God has bigger things to consider and so would not give a second thought to a perfume bottle but I beg to differ. If He listens to my supplications about such small matters imagine how much more attention my bigger issues are given.
God is my Friend, Comforter, Healer, Physician, Lawyer, Teacher and of course Father nothing is too big or too small for Him. He holds the sun, the moon and the little stars in the same hand.
Yes God, it’s me again. I know that it’s been a long time since I wrote to you but there are couple things on my mind that I feel that you should know. Yesterday, there was a plane crash which I’m sure you’re aware off. More than seven people died one of whom I knew. Now with all the death that has been going on around me I just want to know can’t you take it away? Can’t you stop it? So many people around the world are dying ever day, children, women, young people, young men, the elders of our community we’re losing them all. I’m now afraid to love new people for fear of losing them. I don’t even want to think about losing another loved one. I am afraid of losing some very close friends of mine who are police officers, there are those who are in the United States Armed Forces, my family in Haiti are still in fear after the earthquake.
I’m especially fearful for friends and loved ones who have not accepted you as their personal Saviour. How do I tell them goodbye without knowing that we’ll share eternity?
At this time I’m just asking you for peace and comfort not just for me but for all those around the world affected by death. I know that you will keep your promise but every now and again I’d like a reminder. Thanks
Love Your child