Archive for category Diary of a non sleepy head

Starting the New Year off Wrong

Happy New Year, blah, blah, blah. Ok so yes I am being a scrooge blame it on Canada’s weather. So today was my most major hit of SAD, if you don’t know what that means google it. So I am alone in an empty apartment with dishes that needs to be washed but I am not paying them any mind. I am feeling sad, lonely and depressed. I don’t feel like lifting a finger and I am not

Recognising my problem I have decided to take matters into my own hands, instead of staying at home and moping about being single and lonely and broke and without a degree I have decided to go and have a walk in nature. There’s nothing like the fresh air from fresh, pure, white snow. Tonight of all nights I saw lots of stars peeping through my bedroom window and so I’m going to pay them a visit.

Don’t panic I will have my trusted blackberry in hand. I might even update this blog from there.

Write to you soon.

Hadassah

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Crying to sleep hurts.

Laying awake all night and crying hurts if you don’t agree just ask me. This year has been a really trying one for me. I am a person of certainty and planning. I plan, I execute and I am certain that will happen.January of this year changed everything. I had planned to attend classes, I registered, I was certain I would be attending classes and it did not happen. I was devastated and still am. I remember reading about people who said that there were times when they didn’t know where their next meal was coming from, some didn’t know where their next rent payment was coming from and of course some didn’t know where their next pay cheque was coming from.

It hurts not knowing for certain what will be happening in your life. If you will eat or not or where you will rest your head the next night. Crying is one of the ways that we deal with difficulties when there is nothing else to do. When you live on handouts alone, you will cry at night, especially if there is no one else to share the difficulties with.

I have made the decision to turn it over to God completely and to allow Him and him alone to take care of my needs and my wants. As I lay on my blanket on my floor tonight “I don’t have a bed” and  t he tears start to flow one of my friends without knowing sent me a link to one of Elvis’ songs and my favourite part of the song is “Lord, help me smile another smile just one more smile’ and with the words of the song on my heart I will have worship and go to bed because why should I lose sleep when my heavenly Father doesn’t sleep, slumber, nor wear pyjamas.

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Dear God, let’s face tomorrow TOGETHER.

I have cried myself to sleep every night for past month and tonight is no different. I had a quick worship after a fun night with friends and as I laid down to sleep at 3am, the tears started to flow, and they flowed for many reasons.

Ever since the January 12th 2010 earthquake in Haiti my sleep patterns have been as regular as Alberta’s weather. Life has been difficult and includes problems such as; not being able to register for classes and not having a place to call my own. I feel as if I have let so many people down because I have not achieved what they wanted me to achieve. I feel as if I have let myself down for not achieving what I wanted to achieve, however, this problems becomes even bigger when you celebrated your 28th birthday two months ago.

I am constantly feeling as if I have to be something for someone. Be it a lover to someone I am not in love with, the perfect daughter to my parents, the fun friend to hang around with, the perfect student, the good neighbour or an excellent tenant, everybody wants me to be somebody and no one is saying “it’s ok Hadassah just be yourself”. Now mind you those are not necessarily bad things but sometimes I just want to breathe.

My family is going through some difficult changes, I am not in school and I have no idea when I will next see my parents again so imagine the difficulty when a guy believes that my world should revolve around him? I have been trying to fast a week and honestly it is the hardest thing that I have ever attempted to try, so far I am failing “epically”.

However, like David, I have decided to dust myself off and try again “yes I know it’s an Aaliyah song”. I have decided to give my life once again completely over to God and if someone or something is not part of that package as given by The Holy One Himself then I’m sorry but don’t expect me to fit you into that package. As I embark on this journey I also have to think about my future family especially my kids, I don’t want to go into it bearing the whole armour of God whereas my husband is still trying to find out who God is. I am not willing to sacrifice my salvation for love, as harsh as that sounds.

There is a great friend of mine from Philly who text me yesterday morning and I told him that I was cleaning my room and he asked if I was; “dusting some old Dalembert posters” Dalembert for the basketball challenged people is a NBA Haitian pleayer, when I read the text it made me stop and think and wonder what other dusty things did I have in my life that I should clean up? What old habits should I throw away?, what new habits should I bring in? Although, he does not share my religious views, my friend from Philly always tends to find a way to inspire me to think and sometimes he doesn’t even realize it.

So as you can tell this day has been all over the place just like this blog. As the tears flowed I began to imagine all the things that God would want me to rid off. In my Sabbath lesson for this semester we’re studying about background characters in the Bible, some of whom we’re holier than thou and holier than I, however God still used them if they allowed  themselves to be used. As I read their story tonight I took a vow to completely rid myself of everything and allow God and God alone to fill my cup until it runs over. To rid myself of negativity, useless chatter, people who can not give me a helping hand in my spiritual journey because we are not on the same path, anger, hatred and procrastination. I want God to fill me with; wisdom,courage, peacefulness, meekness, humility, charity, joy, patience, forbearance,  goodness, modesty, chastity, a spirit filled man, and a longing to share His word.

As God leads me be happy for me, and as He blesses me, I pray that He will bless you too.

Blessings,

Hadassah

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Dear God, it’s me again;

Yes God, it’s me again. I know that it’s been a long time since I wrote to you but there are couple things on my mind that I feel that you should know. Yesterday, there was a plane crash which I’m sure you’re aware off. More than seven people died one of whom I knew. Now with all the death that has been going on around me I just want to know can’t you take it away? Can’t you stop it? So many people around the world are dying ever day, children, women, young people, young men, the elders of our community we’re losing them all. I’m now afraid to love new people for fear of losing them. I don’t even want to think about losing another loved one. I am afraid of losing some very close friends of mine who are police officers, there are those who are in the United States Armed Forces, my family in Haiti are still in fear after the earthquake.

I’m especially fearful for friends and loved ones who have not accepted you as their personal Saviour. How do I tell them goodbye without knowing that we’ll share eternity?

At this time I’m just asking you for peace and comfort not just for me but for all those around the world affected by death. I know that you will keep your promise but every now and again I’d like a reminder. Thanks

Love Your child

Hadassah.

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So I have been working and working,

well not really. I have been working just that I haven’t been able to get paid because my work is updating my blogs. Writing is the only thing that I love enough that can actually relax me at any time. I love to write and I realized this summer that I can use it as a a form of therapy and so I started my blogs and also my vlogs on youtube as my way out.

It gets really frustrating at times but I just keep on writing or talking. Instead of talking to myself and answering my back I simply share my thoughts with others who may find themselves in the very same situation as me. Sharing my thoughts about what’s happening in my life ease the burden of carrying it alone but also reminds me that I am not alone in my struggles as I get feed back from others.

As with most writers there will be writer’s block and frustration but as long as there’s a pen, paper, a keyboard and a camera, continue to share your story as I will continue to share mine.

Love and Blessings

LaBelleMademoiselle

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Good news…..

So I am actually recording the lesson reviews as we speak “just waiting for them to upload” and today was actually a pretty good day. I felt really, really, good after this morning’s worship and it gave me a bright outlook with which to begin the day. Of all the tasks that was on my to do list, I accomplished three but I still think that I did quite good.

The best news of all though was that I actually got a call back from one of the jobs that I had emailed and was asked to come in for an interview and training. I am sooooooooooooo happy right now. Simply getting the call back itself is awesome. God loves to do things on His own time so I am learning patience and also learning to give Him His working space.

I will update tomorrow about how everything well, so please do keep me in your prayers.

Love,

LaBelleMademoielle

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La belle mademoiselle

I think I am finally getting back on track to being normal again, well at least for now.  I was up at 5:44am “and I think that 6am will now be my worship time” and had the best worship session I have had within the pat three years. I started off by singing some wonderful French hymns from the French hymnal and jut felt blessed and inspired and ready to conquer the world, it was such a beautiful moment.  After I sang “at leas what I call singing” I said a quick word of prayer and had Bible study.

The lesson was about the book of Romans and the key text for the week is Romans 3: 28 and I will now repeat it without looking “therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith by the deeds of the law” and I didn’t memorize it too well, it should have read “therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law” and Thursday’s lesson spoke of “Faith and works”.  After I read the lesson and answered the questions I read Genesis Chapter one the entire chapter and for evening worship I will read chapter two it was pretty interesting to me even though I had read it so many times before.

My prayer this morning was very simple and short. I thanked God for accepting my worship, I asked for forgiveness, I laid my plans before Him and asked Him to take over my life and that was it. Amen

I enjoyed worship and even got the idea from the Holy Spirit that I should do a lesson review each week and post it up jut before sunset so that people can have discussions that they normally wouldn’t have. Depending on how everything goes I may even do an “after show” where we really dig into the lesson.

My concern now is that should I merge all of my channels together or should I keep them apart. The verdict is still out but hopefully this evening we will have gotten an answer.

Have a great day, hugs, kisses and peace

LaBelleMademoiselle

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