After posting last night, I didn’t immediately fall asleep I simply laid there and started thinking and thinking. I have not been the perfect daughter to my parents and I have not been the perfect friend to a person who has tried his best to give me his best. I tend to shy away from kindness and love because I’m always wondering “why are they being nice to me”. I have been hurt before, and it really hurt but nothing hurts more than when you are hurt by someone who said they love you. Let me explain
I was proposed to last year, proposed as in “Will you marry me?” I knew this guy for less than a month and he wanted me to be his lover, his lifelong partner, and the mother of his child all this after knowing me for less than a month. Mind you he was a nice guy however, his self centeredness drove me up the wall and besides why would I marry someone I just met. He proposed the Sunday before I left to come back to Canada.
He said that he loved me and how he could not live without me and how I was the one for him, he wanted me but I didn’t want him at least not in that way, and so I told him” I’m sorry but I don’t love you like that” I explained that I could not be his lover just because he wanted me to be his lover. What happened next blew my mind. He said some of the most hurtful things to me. It cut through my heart and it hurt. Six months later there’s a devastating earthquake in Haiti and my heart dropped.
After getting the news about family I started thinking about friends and that’s when I realized that he was now in Haiti and in Port au Prince, my heart sank. I suddenly started feeling guilty with myself, blaming myself for not “loving” him because feared that he was dead. I tried to call and had my parents call and finally we got word that he was ok. He still does not talk to me and that’s the most hurtful part, how can someone who professed so much love for me turn around and hurt me so bad. That’s when I realize that I do the very same to God.
I tell Him that I want to be in love with him, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, that He will be the only source of happiness for me and then the minute that I don’t get an immediate answer to a prayer, I throw a temper tantrum and tell God that He doesn’t really love me and that I might as well have been in the world, I know it hurts and it hurts him hard but at the end of the day He still loves me.
Last night I took an oath of remaining single until I find “That One” but then I realize that maybe “That One” has been with me all along it’s just that he came in a different package? I guess I wanted a Haitian but what if God sent me a Bahamian or an American? I wanted a black man but what if God sent me a white one? I wanted someone who shared my faith but what if God sent Me someone of a different faith so that I can bring to Him? Then it all started to piece itself together maybe “That One” is here and has been here but I didn’t accept it because I wanted to be like Godeon and put out the fleece.
So even though I have taken a vow of being single I am still available and open to being in that relationship and being with one who helps to keep me sane.
I’m beginning to like this new relationship thing with God, lol it makes things so much easier and the load so much lighter..