I have cried myself to sleep every night for past month and tonight is no different. I had a quick worship after a fun night with friends and as I laid down to sleep at 3am, the tears started to flow, and they flowed for many reasons.
Ever since the January 12th 2010 earthquake in Haiti my sleep patterns have been as regular as Alberta’s weather. Life has been difficult and includes problems such as; not being able to register for classes and not having a place to call my own. I feel as if I have let so many people down because I have not achieved what they wanted me to achieve. I feel as if I have let myself down for not achieving what I wanted to achieve, however, this problems becomes even bigger when you celebrated your 28th birthday two months ago.
I am constantly feeling as if I have to be something for someone. Be it a lover to someone I am not in love with, the perfect daughter to my parents, the fun friend to hang around with, the perfect student, the good neighbour or an excellent tenant, everybody wants me to be somebody and no one is saying “it’s ok Hadassah just be yourself”. Now mind you those are not necessarily bad things but sometimes I just want to breathe.
My family is going through some difficult changes, I am not in school and I have no idea when I will next see my parents again so imagine the difficulty when a guy believes that my world should revolve around him? I have been trying to fast a week and honestly it is the hardest thing that I have ever attempted to try, so far I am failing “epically”.
However, like David, I have decided to dust myself off and try again “yes I know it’s an Aaliyah song”. I have decided to give my life once again completely over to God and if someone or something is not part of that package as given by The Holy One Himself then I’m sorry but don’t expect me to fit you into that package. As I embark on this journey I also have to think about my future family especially my kids, I don’t want to go into it bearing the whole armour of God whereas my husband is still trying to find out who God is. I am not willing to sacrifice my salvation for love, as harsh as that sounds.
There is a great friend of mine from Philly who text me yesterday morning and I told him that I was cleaning my room and he asked if I was; “dusting some old Dalembert posters” Dalembert for the basketball challenged people is a NBA Haitian pleayer, when I read the text it made me stop and think and wonder what other dusty things did I have in my life that I should clean up? What old habits should I throw away?, what new habits should I bring in? Although, he does not share my religious views, my friend from Philly always tends to find a way to inspire me to think and sometimes he doesn’t even realize it.
So as you can tell this day has been all over the place just like this blog. As the tears flowed I began to imagine all the things that God would want me to rid off. In my Sabbath lesson for this semester we’re studying about background characters in the Bible, some of whom we’re holier than thou and holier than I, however God still used them if they allowed themselves to be used. As I read their story tonight I took a vow to completely rid myself of everything and allow God and God alone to fill my cup until it runs over. To rid myself of negativity, useless chatter, people who can not give me a helping hand in my spiritual journey because we are not on the same path, anger, hatred and procrastination. I want God to fill me with; wisdom,courage, peacefulness, meekness, humility, charity, joy, patience, forbearance, goodness, modesty, chastity, a spirit filled man, and a longing to share His word.
As God leads me be happy for me, and as He blesses me, I pray that He will bless you too.