Archive for November, 2010

Crying to sleep hurts.

Laying awake all night and crying hurts if you don’t agree just ask me. This year has been a really trying one for me. I am a person of certainty and planning. I plan, I execute and I am certain that will happen.January of this year changed everything. I had planned to attend classes, I registered, I was certain I would be attending classes and it did not happen. I was devastated and still am. I remember reading about people who said that there were times when they didn’t know where their next meal was coming from, some didn’t know where their next rent payment was coming from and of course some didn’t know where their next pay cheque was coming from.

It hurts not knowing for certain what will be happening in your life. If you will eat or not or where you will rest your head the next night. Crying is one of the ways that we deal with difficulties when there is nothing else to do. When you live on handouts alone, you will cry at night, especially if there is no one else to share the difficulties with.

I have made the decision to turn it over to God completely and to allow Him and him alone to take care of my needs and my wants. As I lay on my blanket on my floor tonight “I don’t have a bed” and  t he tears start to flow one of my friends without knowing sent me a link to one of Elvis’ songs and my favourite part of the song is “Lord, help me smile another smile just one more smile’ and with the words of the song on my heart I will have worship and go to bed because why should I lose sleep when my heavenly Father doesn’t sleep, slumber, nor wear pyjamas.

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Welcome, Blessed Sabbath Day

Today, is another holy day, a day of rest and gladness, of thanksgiving and praise. Today is the day of family time and fellowship. It is a Holy-Day. I love the sabbath because it is a time for; sharing, a special occasion, a date with God. I love the Sabbath day because it reminds me of creation and it is the one day that I get to do absolutely nothing but think on the goodness of God.

This is also the time of memories. The time when I can think of the good old days of being with my family. It is also the time when I think of my future family. I look forward to wonderful family moments and vespers on Sabbath evenings. I look forward to kissing my future husband and my kids and wishing them a blessed Sabbath. I look forward to my future husband being the priest of my family and pronouncing blessings on my family.

Sabbath always remind me of why I can not be married to a non-sabbath keeper not because I think that I am better than a non sabbath keeper but because all these customs from my parents will not have any meaning to him. I see us preparing clothes for sabbath from Sunday, making sure the all shoes are well polished  before sunset on Friday. Making sure that the yard is clean and the car washed. The televison and radios are off unless it’s a christian program and most of all I see myself preparing a buffet for the sabbath feast.

It takes me back down memory lane when my mom was like the queen bee in the kitchen and expected that the house to be clean spic and span from top to bottom and not to forget the pine sol “lol”. My dad would wash his car until it was shining  and made sure that it was well vacumed. He would make sure that my brother collected his suite from the dry cleaners and would be the one to remind us that sun is getting ready to set. We were expected to be all shower fresh and clean at least an hour before sunset. The dinner table would be set with the Sabbath food set aside. Fresh fruits would be placed on the table. Sabbath was the day when my mom would bring out the special linen table cloth and all the Sabbath vessels were brought out, not to be used again until next Sabbath.

Ten minutes before sun set we all gathered together as a family, everyone carrying their hymnal and Bible. We will sing hymns in French and when we the kids felt like being rebellious demanded that we sing some songs in English, but our favourite was singing songs in Haitian creole because there was more rhythm. After singing we will repeat Exodus chapter twenty and versus eight to eleven by heart and then we will kneel to pray. After prayer was done my dad would pronounce his blessings on the family

” Que la grâce de notre Seigneur Jésus-Christ, l’amour de Dieu le Père et la communion du SaintEspritsoient avec vous”.

 

I look forward to the day when I can share these wonderful memories and traditions with a family of my own. Thanks mom and dad for putting us on this road I hope and pray that we will all continue on this path.

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I just ate;

a slice of pizza, I’m so ashamed, but there’s no shame in trying right? Let’s try this again.

Peace

Hadassah

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No food for three days?

So it’s almost lunchtime and guess who’s not eating? Moi, at least I’m going to try once again not to eat; for three days. I will drink water but I will attempt not to eat, don’t know how long it’ll last but it’s worth a try doesn’t it? I hope that by the time Friday comes around I will be a healthy vegan.

Here’s to trying to go green

Hadassah

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Our first day together,

After posting last night, I didn’t immediately fall asleep I simply laid there and started thinking and thinking. I have not been the perfect daughter to my parents and I have not been the perfect friend to a person who has tried his best to give me his best. I tend to shy away from kindness and love because I’m always wondering “why are they being nice to me”. I have been hurt before, and it really hurt but nothing hurts more than when you are hurt by someone who said they love you. Let me explain

I was proposed to last year, proposed as in “Will you marry me?” I knew this guy for less than a month and he wanted me to be his lover, his lifelong partner, and the mother of his child all this after knowing me for less than a month. Mind you he was a nice guy however, his self centeredness drove me up the wall and besides why would I marry someone I just met. He proposed the Sunday before I left to come back to Canada.

He said that he loved me and how he could not live without me and how I was the one for him, he wanted me but I didn’t want him at least not in that way, and so I told him” I’m sorry but I don’t love you like that” I explained that I could not be his lover just because he wanted me to be his lover. What happened next blew my mind. He said some of the most hurtful things to me. It cut through my heart and it hurt. Six months later there’s a devastating earthquake in Haiti and my heart dropped.

After getting the news about family I started thinking about friends and that’s when I realized that he was now in Haiti and in Port au Prince, my heart sank. I suddenly started feeling guilty with myself, blaming myself for not “loving” him because feared that he was dead. I tried to call and had my parents call and finally we got word that he was ok. He still does not talk to me and that’s the most hurtful part, how can someone who professed so much love for me turn around and hurt me so bad. That’s when I realize that I do the very same to God.

I tell Him that I want to be in love with him, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, that He will be the only source of happiness for me and then the minute that I don’t get an immediate answer to a prayer, I throw a temper tantrum and tell God that He doesn’t really love me and that I might as well have been in the world, I know it hurts and it hurts him hard but at the end of the day He still loves me.

Last night I took an oath of remaining single until I find “That One” but then I realize that maybe “That One” has been with me all along it’s just that he came in a different package? I guess I wanted a Haitian but what if God sent me a Bahamian or an American? I wanted a black man but what if God sent me a white one? I wanted someone who shared my faith but what if God sent Me someone of a different faith so that I can bring to Him? Then it all started to piece itself together maybe “That One” is here and has been here but I didn’t accept it because I wanted to be like Godeon and put out the fleece.

So even though I have taken a vow of being single I am still available and open to being in that relationship and being with one who helps to keep me sane.

I’m beginning to like this new relationship thing with God, lol it makes things so much easier and the load so much lighter..

Blessings

Hadassah

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Dear God, let’s face tomorrow TOGETHER.

I have cried myself to sleep every night for past month and tonight is no different. I had a quick worship after a fun night with friends and as I laid down to sleep at 3am, the tears started to flow, and they flowed for many reasons.

Ever since the January 12th 2010 earthquake in Haiti my sleep patterns have been as regular as Alberta’s weather. Life has been difficult and includes problems such as; not being able to register for classes and not having a place to call my own. I feel as if I have let so many people down because I have not achieved what they wanted me to achieve. I feel as if I have let myself down for not achieving what I wanted to achieve, however, this problems becomes even bigger when you celebrated your 28th birthday two months ago.

I am constantly feeling as if I have to be something for someone. Be it a lover to someone I am not in love with, the perfect daughter to my parents, the fun friend to hang around with, the perfect student, the good neighbour or an excellent tenant, everybody wants me to be somebody and no one is saying “it’s ok Hadassah just be yourself”. Now mind you those are not necessarily bad things but sometimes I just want to breathe.

My family is going through some difficult changes, I am not in school and I have no idea when I will next see my parents again so imagine the difficulty when a guy believes that my world should revolve around him? I have been trying to fast a week and honestly it is the hardest thing that I have ever attempted to try, so far I am failing “epically”.

However, like David, I have decided to dust myself off and try again “yes I know it’s an Aaliyah song”. I have decided to give my life once again completely over to God and if someone or something is not part of that package as given by The Holy One Himself then I’m sorry but don’t expect me to fit you into that package. As I embark on this journey I also have to think about my future family especially my kids, I don’t want to go into it bearing the whole armour of God whereas my husband is still trying to find out who God is. I am not willing to sacrifice my salvation for love, as harsh as that sounds.

There is a great friend of mine from Philly who text me yesterday morning and I told him that I was cleaning my room and he asked if I was; “dusting some old Dalembert posters” Dalembert for the basketball challenged people is a NBA Haitian pleayer, when I read the text it made me stop and think and wonder what other dusty things did I have in my life that I should clean up? What old habits should I throw away?, what new habits should I bring in? Although, he does not share my religious views, my friend from Philly always tends to find a way to inspire me to think and sometimes he doesn’t even realize it.

So as you can tell this day has been all over the place just like this blog. As the tears flowed I began to imagine all the things that God would want me to rid off. In my Sabbath lesson for this semester we’re studying about background characters in the Bible, some of whom we’re holier than thou and holier than I, however God still used them if they allowed  themselves to be used. As I read their story tonight I took a vow to completely rid myself of everything and allow God and God alone to fill my cup until it runs over. To rid myself of negativity, useless chatter, people who can not give me a helping hand in my spiritual journey because we are not on the same path, anger, hatred and procrastination. I want God to fill me with; wisdom,courage, peacefulness, meekness, humility, charity, joy, patience, forbearance,  goodness, modesty, chastity, a spirit filled man, and a longing to share His word.

As God leads me be happy for me, and as He blesses me, I pray that He will bless you too.

Blessings,

Hadassah

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